Ask Professor Darwin
Dear Readers:
It has been a very long time since I last picked up the pen and wrote, but after 120 years of slander I thought it necessary to dust myself off and declare a deathmatch on stupidity. The Razor Editors have graciously provided a forum to periodically defend myself against the MORONS out there who refuse to see reason - as well as to offer some friendly advice on all topics - from Afghanistan to Zoolander (the former is worth seeing unlike the latter). You can your questions to . - , (1809-82, 2002-...)
Dear Professor:
I have a craftsman with a 5hp "eager-1" engine. This week it started, ran the length of the yard and stopped. I don't think it hit anything. It won't start now at all. It will occasionally catch but never really gets going. I find that if I use the primer bulb, it is much harder to pull. If I pull a few times after priming, it begins to get easier but still won't start.
I believe I have spark since it seems to try to start. I think I have fuel because of the difference in effort required to pull after priming. What am I missing?
The Sears model number for the engine is 143.424152.- Lawnmower Man
Dear Lawnmower Man:
Is your spark plug wet with fuel? Is there fuel dripping out of the air cleaner housing? It sounds like your needle seat is leaking in the carb. This may be due to a bad seat, or a bad float. If you find that the engine is getting too much fuel, replace the needle, seat, and float. It will run you less than $10.00.
Dear Professor Darwin:
I am in what we call up here in Connecticut, deep do-do. My stockbroker called me last December and informed me that the FDA was not going to approve a drug submitted by a friend's company which I also owned stock in. Of course I sold everything, saving myself about $40,000 had I waited for the official announcement.
Evidently this is illegal, and the Feds are, what we say up here in Connecticut, coming up my tailpipe like a greased rocket. I've since lost over $200 million as my corporate stock has dropped by 40%. My potpourri is being recalled (stinking Chicom quality - as we also say here in CT), my friends are peeling away like Liz Taylor's skin after dermabrasion, and the only people that are coming to my defense are OJ and Robert Blake.
What's a girl to do? - Stuffed Muffin
Dear Ms Muffin
What is it about you rich people that you do such stupid things? First former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski gets busted trying to save 80 grand to avoid sales taxes on some fine art. And that's probably what he has laying underneath his sofa cushions. Now you're in trouble over a measly $40,000? That's only the weekly wages of a thousand of your Chinese workers - not a good thing.
Here's what USAToday recommends:
Identify the crisis. Before doing anything, Stewart must clearly define her problem, says Steven Fink, president of Lexicon Communications. "Her crisis is the future viability of her empire," says the author of Crisis Management: Planning for the Inevitable. "If she goes to jail, it's the end of her empire."
Go public. "She needs to stop listening to her lawyers," Katharine D. Paine, a corporate image consultant. Her suggestion: a series of interviews and press conferences where any question can be put on the table.
Don't wait, if there is anything to reveal. "The worse the news is, the more important it come out sooner than later," says Ian Mitroff, professor of business policy at University of Southern California.
"Spinning didn't work for Bill Clinton, Arthur Andersen, Enron or the Catholic Church," he says. "Why should it work for her?"
Tell Oprah. Sometimes it isn't just what you say, but whom you tell. If the negative publicity continues, Stewart should consider an interview with a "friendly" and familiar interviewer such as Oprah Winfrey, suggests Lynne Doll, president of Rogers & Associates, a crisis communications firm.
And here's my recommendation: Tell the complete truth, answer every question, and admit every mistake you have ever made. Nothing will disarm your enemies like complete honesty and openness. Even if you are guilty, the Justice Department - used to liars - will be so stunned at your admission that it will be harder for them to crucify you. Sure you might spend some time in minimum security, but look what that did to the careers of the Watergate conspirators. And I'm sure you would have lots of ideas for a whole new line of accessories for federal institutions.
Darwin:
We're here: We're Queer. Get used to it. - Slaveboy
Dear Slaveboy
Like I could give a rat's arse.
Dear Professor:
Suppose that a positive point charge q is initially at rest on the x-axis, in the path of a plane electromagnetic wave. Will the charge move after the wave front reaches it? - Anonymous
Anon:
Yes, the charge will move. A nonzero electromagnetic field induces a nonzero electromagnetic force on a charged particle, so the particle will start to accelerate as soon as the wave reaches it. (In fact, it will oscillate as long as the wave is there.) Note: Special thanks to my good friend Max Planck for confirming my response.
