Ask Professor Darwin
Dear Readers:
It has been a very long time since I last picked up the pen and wrote, but after 120 years of slander I thought it necessary to dust myself off and declare a deathmatch on stupidity. The Razor Editors have graciously provided a forum to periodically defend myself against the MORONS out there who refuse to see reason - as well as to offer some friendly advice on all topics - from Afghanistan to Zoolander (the former is worth seeing unlike the latter). You can your questions to . - , (1809-82, 2002-...)
dear prof
i have a friend who is a married woman.the other day she was telling me how she has been fighting with her husband because he thinks she might be cheating on him.she also told me that she hasnt had sex with her husband for one year.she then went on to say how she doesnt even like sex and never gets horny.in your opinion,do you think she is being honest or just wanted to bring up the subject of sex to get me interested? - concerned
Dear Concerned
Are you E.E.Cummings? Why the scarcity of punctuation and capitalization? What's wrong - haven't you learned that the purpose of writing is COMMUNICATION, and to communicate effectively one must adhere to a set of RULES SHARED BY ALL? And "get you interested"? Interested in what - her husband? That's freaky.
Something is seriously wrong here, and it's not in your best interest to become involved. If they haven't had sex in a year, I would bet that the marriage is over. All that's left to decide is who gets to keep the cat. Feel free to provide a shoulder to cry on if necessary, but this woman's problems are far beyond providing anything more. Advise her to seek professional help immediately - and stay out of it. There are all ready two losers here - don't make it three.
Dear Professor Darwin
Everywhere I go bad things seem to follow me. For example, just yesterday I was recording my latest video when my personal assistant noticed a tiny red dot dancing on my headdress. Sure enough, not more than a second later, a hellfire missile struck and barely missed killing me. Instead it took out two servant women and dinged my new Hitachi DVD Camcorder With 2.5" LCD. Oi! I just filed the Circuit City Rebate last week!
It is getting incredibly difficult to conduct Jihad in these circumstances. Any ideas what I should do?
Death to America!
ignOBLe
ignOBLe: See the above response regarding capitalization. Pity about the servant women, but at least Americans attempt to avoid civilian casualties - not cause them - hence the Hellfire and not a napalm strike which would have really fried your ass but good. While the Hitachi does record on DVD, the PC Kit for editing will only be available after July 2002 - meaning until then editing will still have to be done the old fashioned way: threatening an Al-Jazeera tape uploader with the death of his children unless he cuts and edits to Super VHS.
However, if you simply provide your GPS coordinates, I can arrange a very good film editor to come and help out. Oh, and next time you see the red dot -- FOR GODSSAKE STAND STILL!
Professor Darwin
Can you tell me how to fake an orgasm?
Fibber.
Dear Fibber:
No, I can't. What, you think this is Cosmo? Go there.
Dear Professor Darwin:
I have a Dell Inspiron with a 400 mhz processor and a 10 gig hard drive running Windows 98. I've been reading reviews for Windows XP that claim that XP is much faster and not as resource intensive as Win98. Should I upgrade my OS? - Tim in TX
Tim in TX:
Are you nuts? If you're going to upgrade to XP, I'd upgrade your machine. Why? Because while XP runs more efficiently than 98, it is still Microsoft Bloatware®. The basic install of XP runs at 1.5 gigs, and most likely yours will top double that. Do you really want to tie up over a third of your harddrive with the operating system? I am no great fan of XP - it has done unspeakable things to my Compaq Evo - but there is no use fighting the Evil Empire forever, and Tom's Hardware has pretty much shown that it outperforms previous Windows editions hands down.
I recommend buying a new no-name PC, built around the AMD XP-2000 or higher with PC333 DDR memory and a motherboard supporting USB2.0. You can get this for under a grand at many places - with XP Home Edition installed. Plop in an 80 gig hard drive and a decent 3D graphics card, and you'll be set for at least the next two years or so.
More...
