Bring it on you bastards...

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Word has it that Al-Qaida and Osama's band of merry fruitcakes are about to strike again. "Something as big or bigger than September 11" some Al-Qaida baddy has promised. Vice President Dick Cheney has said that another such attack "is inevitable". So before everyone puts their heads between their knees and kisses their asses goodbye, let's take a moment to remember who and what we are - then say, "Okay you tea-towel wearing, Koran-quoting shoe-burning bastards: Bring it on."

Bring it on because we need an excuse to turn your world upside down again. We are itching to find you, and when you poke your head out of your god-forsaken caves to throw rocks at us, you can bet that it will soon be shot off by one of our Nintendo trained pilots flying a drone waiting to best his high score by splashing your brains all over the walls with a Hellfire missile.

We are Americans. To quote P.J. O'Rourke a humorist (those are people who write stuff that makes people laugh - not that you've ever laughed in your life except when throwing grenades onto a Jewish playground), Americans are the "baddest-assed sons of bitches that ever jogged in Reeboks. We're three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car wreck and descended from a stock market crash on our mother's side... We're big boys, Jack, the original, giant, economy-sized, new and improved butt-kickers of all time. When we snort coke in Houston, people lose their hats in Cape d'Antibes... We drink napalm to get our hearts started in the morning. A rape and a mugging is our way of saying 'Cheerio'. Hell can't hold our sock-hops. We walk taller, talk louder, spit further, fuck longer and buy more things than you know the names of."

We are Marilyn Manson and Charles Manson, a nation built by the World's rejects and weirdos. We're the only guys on the planet that have wiped out complete cultures and built new ones from scratch. When we enter a room, the building shakes. Our men are bad mother fuckers one and all and our women are worse. Our girls smoked your asses in Afghanistan - that's National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, U.S. Ambassador to Pakistan is Wendy Chamberlin and the Assistant Secretary of State for South Asia Christina Rocca. Yeah, you can zip up your women in bags; ours carry guns in theirs.

Bring it on you bastards. You've gotten pretty good at blowing up old Jewish women and machine-gunning 5 year old girls in their beds. When our military decided to take away your playground in Afghanistan, it was theirs in less than a month. Yeah we figured that you would put up at least as good a fight as the Iraqi Revolutionary Guard, but no - those guys at least died honorably - not being toasted like pop-tarts in caves as you guys were.

Sure you blew up our buildings, but we've grabbed your country. Do it again and we'll grab another one, roll it up and smoke it, and the Indians and Thais will get high off the fumes. You think you've got God on your side, we've got History on ours - and it is littered with the dead nutcakes that were far more threatening than you. Maybe you've got a nuke or two? The Soviets had thousands of them, and it didn't stop us from locking them in a straight-jacket until they suffocated from their own shit. Now they are our buds, and have some issues to work out with you regarding their own experience in Afghanistan - which they lost because we wanted them to (not that you had anything to do with it since they were within weeks of wiping out your asses before we stepped in). They like killing you; it's almost a Russian sport. Ask Chechen fruitloop Khattab - he's on his way to hell right now courtesy of our vodka-swilling friends.

So go ahead, bring it on. Poke your head out and see if we're still around. We're waiting for you you bunch of candy-assed pussies.

Start praying to your God because you're going to be meeting him soon.

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