Without Mom: At One Year
My mother passed away a year ago today. Unlike many deaths hers wasn’t tragic, and it wasn’t unexpected at the age of 94. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss her or that I haven’t shed a tear or two over the past year. Here are some thoughts.
- When my son rescued a puppy last September my first thought was to call mom. She taught me how to love and care for animals, especially those who needed the help the most: strays. I’ve passed that love onto my son. I think she would be proud.
- Over the years I’ve called myself an agnostic and an atheist. The truth is I really don’t know what I am. All I know is that I don’t know what happens after death, so why not assume the best? Why not assume my mother is still around in some form, freed from the years of pain but able to affect things in this world?
- For most of her life she gave everything for her children, and they to a great extent took advantage of her love and never gave back. I criticized her for it, said she needed to stop doing so much for this one or that (even me once or twice!) but she couldn’t help herself. I now understand how she felt as I watch my teenage son become a man and my role and influence diminish almost to nothing. A parent can’t turn off the love like it’s a spigot or something.
- As we get older we find ourselves fitting into roles from our childhoods. I see my role to be a combination of my mother and my father-in-law. I see my wife’s as being a combination of my father and my mother-in-law. It’s not perfect, but the recognition of these roles is useful at times.
- When I was in Ireland in May I attended Evensong at Christchurch Cathedral in Dublin. The singing and pipe organ reminded me of when my mother took me to church and I cried every time the organ played. At first she thought the sound scared me, but she quickly realized that I found the music wondrous to the point of being overwhelming. I sat in the Cathedral with my wife and could almost feel mom with me as the music took me away and the tears ran down my cheeks.
- I’m glad she missed this election. Mom was a old-time Democrat and didn’t feel comfortable with the direction her party had taken to the Left over the past few elections. She would have voted for Hillary though. I don’t think it was possible for her to vote for a Republican even if she liked him.
- My mother believed the most important thing an adult needed was a job. Everything else followed being employed. It was the first step towards a better life and a sound mind. Work was her cure for every ailment, physical or mental. The older I get the more I understand this fact.
- My mother lived an honorable, humble life without lies or secrets. She left the world a better place by raising children who make a difference in the world even though they treated her poorly. I realize that it is my turn to do the same, to live an honorable life and make a difference in the world no matter how small it might seem.
I love my mother and miss her terribly, but in my heart I know she’s freed from that decrepit elderly body and with her friends and neighbors she talked about growing up with. In my mind’s eye I see her spinning as she dances, so distant yet in a way so comfortably near.
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