Father’s Day in the 21st Century
I don’t mean to toot my own horn in this post, but this afternoon Fox News aired a 30 second debate between a man and a woman about the changing role of fatherhood. The woman seemed to think that nothing had changed, that fathers were the same today that they were generations ago. She argued that women continued to do the bulk of housework, shopping, financial decisions, childcare and cooking. The man argued that things had indeed changed, that men were doing those things on top of the duties of being the primary wage earner of the household.
That got me to thinking about my situation.
I am the primary wage earner in my family.
While the wife pays the bills, I am the one that has to make any phone calls to resolve any of the disputes that invariably arise.
When anything breaks in the house, I am the one that fixes it or replaces it. If the latter, I am the one that buys it or calls the contractors to come.
So far that’s pretty much the traditional role, but how about this?
I do all the laundry, all the time. I know how to separate colors, run different cycles, and iron. If clothing needs repair I know how to sew.
I fold all the clothes and place them in the closets and drawers.
I do all the grocery shopping and all of the home cooking. I know how to cook some Chinese, Italian and Mexican dishes – but my specialty is Japanese, especially those that involve koshihikari rice which I buy from an Asian market and cook in a rice cooker I brought back with me from Japan.
I make my son’s lunches. I know how he likes his sandwiches. I make all his meals and make sure he gets the nutrition he needs.
I do most of the housework, including the vacuuming, bathrooms, and kitchen. Where I fail at is dusting – the Wife does most of that.
I take pride in cleaning the very same bathroom that I ripped down to the studs, wallboarded the walls and ceiling, put a new tub in, built the surround and shower doors, re-plumbed the pipes, relaid the floor, replaced the door and jam, installed a pedestal sink in and rewired to add an exhaust fan. The only thing I didn’t do myself was install the shower faucet. I tried, but couldn’t get the hang of sweating pipes and couldn’t trust my work enough to seal it behind wallboard. It took me some time, but I did it completely alone and am proud that the room looks professionally done.
Cleaning the toilet – one that I completely disassembled, put new hardware in and cleaned with bleach and a toothbrush in my backyard – hell, it’s a joy.
The woman in the debate asked “When the kid hurts himself at school, who does the nurse call? She calls his mother.”
Not in my home. I’m the one who had conferences and exchanged emails with the Kid’s teacher. I’m the one who argued with his school principal when it came to not holding the days lost during his trip to Africa against him. I’m also the one who voted to increase taxes for the school district.
I’m the one who punished him when his grades weren’t up to snuff, who sat with him while he did his homework, who helped him with his Market Day project selling “Rocky’s Famous Cookies” shaped like dog bones – which I baked. And I was the one who took him to CompUSA to buy his reward for achieving the best grades ever – straight A’s with only one B (I’m not asking for perfection, just effort).
When the Wife comes home, I make sure there is food on the table for her. I also make sure the house isn’t a complete wreck. I make sure her white coat is clean, and that she has clean scrubs when she gets up three hours before we do.
I feed and water all the animals. I change the gerbil cages. I do water-changes on the two aquariums every two weeks. I make sure the Chihuahua gets his epilepsy medication twice a day (I haven’t missed a dose yet). I take the dogs on walks or trips to the dog park. I brush their coats, and the fur of our three cats. I feed the them all, as well as an old feral cat that the Kid named years ago that comes around. And yes, I scoop and change the litterboxes.
I am the last to fall asleep every night, and I make sure that all living things within my humble home are comfortable and well-fed before I do.
As I said, I do not want you to think that I am special. Far from it. The point of this post is that there are thousands – perhaps even millions of men out there like me who do the things that used to be considered “women’s work” and do it without feeling any hint of lost masculinity. In fact, the feeling of being in control of your surroundings, accepting heavy responsibility and performing one’s duty quietly and without fanfare – what could be more manly?
I am not alone. I know there are others out there like me. I’ve met them. Things are not as simple as they once were, and things have indeed changed.
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