President Supports Amendment to Define Hoagie
Since announcing his support of an amendment to define marriage, the President has also stated his support for a constitutional amendment to define “built-to-order sandwiches filled with fresh meats and cheeses, as well as lettuce, tomatoes and onions, topped off with a dash of oregano on an Italian roll” as a “hoagie“.
White House Press Secretary Scott McClelland said the move was necessary after a recent study published by Harvard found that over 77% of Americans answered “sub” to the question: “What do you call the long sandwich that contains cold cuts, lettuce, and so on.”
“The President believes deeply in this issue,” McClelland stated after the speech, excerpted below:
§“After more than two centuries of American jurisprudence and millennia of human experience, a few judges and local authorities are presuming to change the most fundamental institution of the sandwich - the hoagie. Their actions have created confusion on an issue that requires clarity.
On a matter of such importance, the voice of the people must be heard. Activist courts have left the people with one recourse. If we’re to prevent the meaning of a long sandwich that contains cold cuts, lettuce, and so on from being changed forever, our nation must enact a constitutional amendment to protect “hoagies” in America. Decisive and democratic action is needed because attempts to call it anything else in a single state or city, such as “grinder”, “poorboy” and “bomber”, could have serious consequences throughout the country.”
Afterward, believing the microphone had been turned off, the President turned to his wife, Laura, and said, “And what (expletive deleted) bunch of nuts calls the thing a ‘baguette’ anyway?”
- Thanks to Scrappleface for the inspiration.
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