Classic Co-Dependence
Mirrored at Dean’s World
This morning, the Mother-in-law had promised she would care for the Kid, and the Kid had looked forward to seeing his grandmother. This morning we got up and I called the MiL, but got her machine. While we dressed I called several more times, ditto.
Finally, I’m running late for work and the Kid is getting upset. We get into the car and drive over to the MiL. I call from her driveway, and we bang on her doors – but fail to wake her up.
Now, my alcoholic sister-in-law is staying with the MiL. The house isn’t that big, and we were making quite a ruckus at 8:30 in the morning – yet we failed to wake either one of them.
We had to opt for Plan B for the Kid, who was very disappointed that he wouldn’t be eating his grandma’s homemade pancakes for breakfast. I made it late to work, and finally got the mother-in-law up at 10am – extremely late for her.
I reminded her that she was supposed to spend time with her grandson today. “I’m not feelign well,” she said. “What’s wrong?” “You know, (sister-in-law).” The next thing she said was classic. “I know she’s not drinking.”
My g-d, how many times we had gone over this. All that time spent in ER rooms with BACs high enough to embalm most people. The police calls at midnight, the threats and cursing. Years of Alanon meetings in church basements. “I know she’s not drinking.”
Yet in classic codependent fashion, the Sister-in-law’s problem makes the mother-in-law physically sick. The first thing you learn in Alanon is that a drunk cuts himself and you bleed. Mother-in-law hasn’t learned this yet.
So, the Kid has to suffer today – and I am so mad I could spit fire. If there is one thing that really, really pisses me off is when a child is promised time and then loses it because an adult f***s up. I experienced that a lot growing up, which may explain why I’m now living 1200 miles away from those who made those promises.
I hold out little hope that the MiL will understand what she is doing. All I know is that I am angry with myself for allowing my son to be hurt this morning, allowing the poison of alcoholism and codependence to touch him ever so slightly.
It will not be a mistake I do again, and if that means completely cutting him off from his grandmother, then so be it.
ligneus:
I understand and agree with you not making that mistake again but not with being so angry at MiL. Don’t we protect kids too much from every day life where disappointments happen and have to be dealt with? Shit happens and the sooner they learn that the better. I don’t know how old your son is so that might alter the case I’m making somewhat but I find kids understand quite well if things are explained to them and doing it without making it into a big deal. If we deal with it with some eqanimity, they will learn from the example that that’s how it’s done.
21 July 2006, 7:29 pmRight, your turn to tear the above to pieces!
Administrator:
Ligneus
22 July 2006, 6:46 amNothing to tear apart. That’s a good point about protection. Thanks.