8 Weeks After Da’s Death
Sitting on my workbench, beside a chest filled with screws of various sizes and behind a small statue of Buddha a small grey pressboard box holds the plastic bag containing my father-in-law’s ashes. I placed them there because the workbench was one of the few places the cats don’t jump. The ashes are also in an out of sight place because even now, nearly 8 weeks after his death, his passing is still being mourned by the Wife, the Kid, and the Mother-in-law.
The Mother-in-law, for all intents and purposes, is gradually becoming unhinged. I am a believer that few humans are truly solitary, and those who are don’t last through 58 years of marriage. My Father-in-law was her anchor, and since his death she has become adrift in her own mind. She wears her loss on her sleeve, and suspects everyone who tries to help her. It wasn’t long after his death that she turned on me, calling me an “outsider” to the family and demanding my silence. At that moment I stepped back and decided to withdraw from the responsibility I had offered in a promise I made to Da on his deathbed.
At first I used to talk to the box of ashes while sorting laundry, but Da’s presence has abated and we are left with an emptiness – a hole – which he once filled. At the same time as part of my own grieving I have realized that Da left quite a mess to be cleaned up after his death. He hadn’t provided well for his wife, and more importantly, he had not prepared her to become independent in the event of his death. She wasn’t used to handling financial matters or even driving. He hadn’t taught her to manage her own fears and what Zen practitioners call her own “monkey mind”. She goes from one problem to the next to the next without making any attempt at a solution or placing things in perspective. Somehow he had manage to temper this while he was alive, but he had not taught her how to do it on her own – leaving us to deal with a very hard to deal with person.
Support groups have helped the Wife, and even I have benefited from revisiting my 12 steps from AA. However I’m not sure how the Mother-in-law will survive without Da. Perhaps the Hindu ritual of Sati isn’t so barbaric after all.
