I Choose Not to Drink
Originally posted at Dean’s World
I first discovered Dean’s World through Instapundit linking to a cry for help from Rosemary over Dean’s drinking problem. Although the link piqued my curiosity, I am not one who normally tries to intervene in people’s affairs. My family has its own problems and I’m too busy trying to earn a living, being a decent parent and husband, and keeping the organization I founded, the ITPAA, going than to poke my nose where it really doesn’t belong. People are complex, and their problems are complex; to think that you can help without spending a lot of time getting to the root of the problems is a bit of self-conceit if you ask me.
But I know addiction. I know how good a cigarette tastes after a meal and how uncontrolled your thoughts become when you haven’t had one in a day or three. I know how wonderful a glass of Mondavi red smells, and also the smell of vomit and cold fear while searching my darkened memory, wondering how I made it home from a party. I kicked cigarettes cold turkey 9 1/2 years ago when I got tired of the Wife nagging me, and I kicked the booze 5 years later when she gave me the choice between keeping the bottle or my family. I chose my family, and it’s a decision I have never regretted but one that hasn’t been easy.
Dean isn’t a big fan of AA. He’s leveled some serious criticisms at the group which I understand and relate to. However AA isn’t one “group” or organization; it’s more of a collective of individuals having one thing in common: a desire to quit drinking. There is no central authority; no dictates from above that you must subscribe to. Instead what you have are a lot of people sitting in church basements. Some are desperate to stay sober; other’s aren’t. Some talk; others stay completely silent. Some groups are fun; others are boring, and still others are downright wastes of time. How do you know which is which? You don’t until you go.
How did I quit? It was a combination of the Wife, my own will or conscience, Zen Buddhism and a loud elderly man by the name of John B.
If you want compassion, don’t talk to John B. If you want to wallow in self-pity, then you really don’t want to call John B. Why? Because John will give you an earful, tell you to stop thinking about yourself. He’ll tell you that you choose to drink, and maybe it’s time to make a different choice. He’ll tell you to start by going to AA meetings to see what works for people. Then in the end, he says, if you think drinking works for you then by all means go for it.
John taught me drinking or giving in to any addiction is a choice and choice, as anyone living in our society where stores stock 150+ types of breakfast cereal knows can be a heavy burden to bear. When faced with a choice, people often take the easy way out to avoid it. For addicts that often means using, but addicts are not robots. Junkies have not lost free will. Drunks aren’t victims of the bottle. Drunks drink because they choose to drink; I don’t drink because I choose not to drink.
And there is power in that choice. There is strength in taking control of your life – and that’s what John B. was trying to show me and which Dean tried to show in this post. It’s about personal responsibility; I am not a victim of this disease because I choose not to be a victim. I like power too much, and beating addictions make you powerful.
While I was wondering what my higher power was I began reading Zen. The great thing about Zen is that it is a philosophy of action not thought. If you are thinking about Zen, then you really don’t get it. “Chop wood, carry water.” Focus 100% on your task to the exclusion of all else. There is no goal. There is no reason. There is no thought – just action.
For a recovering addict it is crucial to think about anything BUT yourself. Addiction is a selfish behavior. After all, a cigarette makes you feel good, not anyone else. Ditto a shot of vodka. Feeding that addiction makes one become even more selfish. Your drive to the liquor store costs you time with your children. Your “sanity (smoke) breaks” outside are borne by your employer or by your family (in cases where you are docked for the time). For some, that selfishness leads to the collapse of the personality into what I consider a psychological black-hole: the narcissist. These people are incapable of thinking about anyone other than themselves. Worse, like a black hole they will suck you into them and use your energy if you get too close to them. Harlan Ellison once described them as emotional vampires. That’s too nice a description since Anne Rice’s romantic vampires were set free to roam our imaginations at the term.
Addicts are collapsing personalities. Addiction deflates your spirit and makes it increasingly two dimensional. Quitting halts that process, and selflessness reverses it.
John B. said that it takes at least 2 years of sobriety to get your marbles back; I’ve gotten mine and am now doing everything in my power to keep them. For me that means helping others when I can, ignoring them when I can’t, and working hard at learning the difference.
If that sounds like the Serenity Prayer it should.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
That prayer sits at the heart of Alcoholics Anonymous and no matter how you feel about it, or whether it’s right for you, AA has taught me the beauty, power, and friggin’ frustration in achieving what that little 3 line prayer sets out. For that reason I owe AA, and while I don’t go to meetings much anymore, I’m glad they are around.
The ideas behind the 12 Steps are extremely complex and life changing yet they are stated simply, almost too simply. In fact I found an interpretation of the 12 Steps from a Buddhist perspective that may be easier for some who get caught up in the “God Language”. Here is the essence of the first three steps as I see it:
1. I’ve got an addiction and can’t fix it on my own.
2. There is help out there beyond me.
3. I choose to use this external help along with all my inner resources to control my addiction.
If anyone can do better, let me know. The bottom line is that they have helped me help myself – and that is what they are all about. God isn’t going to save me. He’s not going to send an angel stop me from going to a bar and tying one on – but my higher power is going to help me choose not to do such a stupid thing.
