Things I Don’t Want for Christmas and Why

December 8th, 2004 by Administrator

It’s that time of year again, time to think about ourselves, contemplating our own navels until we collapse into a blackhole of pure selfishness. So in keeping with that spirit, I thought I would list the things I don’t want for Christmas and why. Rest assured that should I receive any of the gifts below, they will be exchanged for something useful and more appreciated, like a back-wax.

1. Big ass flat screen HD TV – The pictures look great when they aren’t moving. However the moment they do, it’s like watching a show through a rain spattered windshield. Plus in two years all the current HD flat screens will be obsolete, and the ones that replace them will be almost free. Walking into an electronics store and seeing these dimly lit overpriced monstrosities makes me wonder if they are broadcasting submliminal messages like “Ignore the crappy picture. You want one of these”. Well, I can’t and I don’t.
2. Fahrenheit 9/11 – If I wanted to waste 2 hours of my time on hateful lies, twisted facts and propaganda, I’d watch CBS Nightly News with Dan Rather.
3. Apple iPod – I’m old school. If I can’t blast it from my car stereo and feel it through the soles of my feet, I don’t listen to it.
4. Anything made in China, except children. - No, I’m not creepy, just honest. The only decent export out of China today is children. Everything else, all the products, everything, is so shoddily made that I end up returning the things broken anyway. So I may as well return them new and get something better right away.
5. Hummer/BMW/Lexus - Not that the Wife (may Her name be praised!) would ever be stupid enough to buy one of these for me, but they are worth mentioning anyway just in case any of you win the Powerball jackpot and want to annoy me.
I live on the East Coast - not the Nevada salt flats. I don’t need a BMW to drive bumper to bumper on I-95. I need something nimble yet well-armed, maybe one of these. The advantage of a Toyota Technical is that on the weekend I could remove the 50 calibre machine gun and haul drywall from Home Depot.

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